This is going to be a very self-indulgent post -- yes, even more so than usual. Blogging as catharsis, tcha.
Something has been preying on my mind of late, and i propose to blether about that; in another way, though, it's about a song, and how that song applies to my present situation. It's a thesis about "Love Walks In" by Van Halen and, oh, look, here's the song:
But, a bit of a preamble. I've always been lousy at relationships. I'm a nice guy but impossible to live with (just ask my cat). (But please don't ask my ex-wife!) I'm egocentric, unambitious, mildly autistic (Asperger's Syndrome) and basically a slob, and probably alcoholic, too. I have my demons, and i'm losing that battle. The longest relationship i've ever had lasted maybe two years. And the women have invariably left me -- i've never left one. I accept the blame each time, too. I don't know what i did, but it must have been my fault. Guilt is a major component in my psyche. Not exactly a prize catch, then, devilish good looks aside....
So i pretty much gave up on relationships altogether and i've been on my own ever since my last catastrophic failure 22 years ago, and fine with it. Alone but never lonely, it's the only way to be. Until about six years ago, that is, when someone extraordinarily attractive, intelligent and funny (and i shan't name her) swam into my ken. And that's where the song comes in.
Sammy Hagar, in his introduction to the video, says that it's about aliens. Well, maybe. But thanks to the magic of deconstructionism, i may interpret it any way i wish, and i prefer to think that it's about thoughts and feelings that are alien to someone, i.e., me, arriving out of nowhere and flattening you. Me.
Let's look at a few of the lyrics. The first two lines are: Contact is all it takes / To change your life to lose your place in time. Well, yes, that happened, as i said, about six years ago. I was attracted to her almost immediately and i do believe it was mutual and i lost my place in time, my equilibrium, my sense of my own age (which is: far too old to be having these feelings). I'd been gliding along peacefully alone and all of a sudden, KERFLOOEY! (to use a technical term), i found myself inordinately and dangerously attracted to a woman.
Contact. Asleep or awake coming around you may wake up to find Questions deep within your eyes,now more than ever, you realize.Yes, i would wake up thinking about this woman. I DO wake up thinking about her. And recalling fondly how beautiful her eyes are.
And then you sense a change Nothing feels the same All your dreams are strange, love comes walkin' in
Well, yes, that's it, exactly! Something changed, everything felt different. And my dreams -- well, everyone's dreams are strange, but suddenly i was having a different kind of dream, dreams of another me, a me for whom a relationship with a woman might be a possibility.... (Sexual fantasies aren't in it at all although she is extremely callipygous!) I think that the strangest things about the dreams is that they are NOT erotic -- you may not believe this, but at my age i've pretty much exhausted eroticism, i've done everything, what attracts and appeals to me now is someone to BE with (with my slippers on and a beer nearby). The sexiest part of a woman is her brain.
Some kind of alien
Waits for the opening. That's a reference to the open Ports in my brain. I didn't think i had any any more. The firewall let me down there!
Then simply pulls a string
Love comes walking in.
Another world, some other time
You lay your sanity on the line
Familiar faces familiar sights
Reach back remember with all your might
Ohh and there she stands in a silken gown
Silver lights shining down.
I've never seen her in a silken gown, although i would love to. She'd look like Galadriel. But what are those silver lights? Stars shining down onto her, maybe, that weren't visible until she swept the clouds away? Or is it her aura, her positivity, shining down onto me from her...?
Love comes walkin' in
Sleep and dream that's all I crave. Sleep? I've heard of it....
I travel far across the Milky Way. Milky Way is a reference to her skin, her complexion, i do believe. Not that i've ever travelled far across it, although i've touched it, and liked it. So soft, so warm....
To my master I've become a slave. My master? My puppet master, dangling my brain cells on a string like a marionette
Til we meet again some other day
Where silence speaks as loud as war
earth returns to what it was before. Yes, well, she'll be going off soon, to begin her life, and i don't honestly expect i'll ever see her again. Life returns to what it was before.
She could save my life, if i thought it were worth saving. And this is the problem. Malcolm Lowry wrote something along the lines of, he knew that salvation lay in love; his tragedy was his failure of desire for that upward path -- well, that, and the fact that she's 'way too young for me.
Note: this entire post is now null and void: i've been reading Sammy Hagar's autobiography, "Red" (a great read, btw) and he writes about the song and says that it's not really about aliens at all but about alien concepts walking in and taking you by surprise. Well, duh! to me! But i'm gonna post it anyway.
Here, have a playlist:
Joe Bonamassa - You And Me
Mike Oldfield - Man On The Rocks
Rory Gallagher - Defender
Jack Bruce & Robin Trower - Seven Moons
Peter Hammill - Fool's Mate
Shirley Collins And The Albion Country Band - No Roses
Fairport Convention - Tipplers' Tales
Django Reinhardt & Stephane Grappelli - Souvenirs
Paul Rodgers - Electric
Roxy Music - Viva!
Alan Stivell - The Best Of Alan Stivell
Marillion - Fugazi
Simon Nicol - Before Your Time
Steely Dan - Aja
Pyewackett - Pyewackett
Thin Lizzy - Dedication: The Very Best Of Thin Lizzy
Dire Straits - Brothers In Arms
Saga - 20/20
Runrig - The Big Wheel
Bluehorses - Thirteen Fires